My mother has unleashed her Woman.

At 83, my mother is so vital, we have to put a bell around her neck to keep up with her. If she doesn’t have a new canvas going, splashed with vibrant images, she’s taking Civil War courses at the History Center and riding buses to the local battlefields, driving herself to St. Simons Island for the month, or refinishing furniture. She can pull a gourmet meal together from what she calls leftovers and put a wardrobe together that is walking art.

Women of my mother’s generation were mothers first, women second. Their identity grew out of their role as mothers and wives. They did what they saw their mothers doing and felt accomplished if their children surpassed their hopes for them. They put their own inner work and outer achievements on hold. It wasn’t until the children left the nest that the Woman in them could climb out of the closet and enjoy the light of day.

Some would say this is how it should be, for women to put their children and families first, for women to postpone their own emotional and spiritual development until the patter of little feet no longer rings in their ears. As a therapist, I’ve seen both sides of the question.

Sometimes, the reason a female isn’t in touch with her Woman in the first place is due to her own childhood relationship with her father. As a young girl, she may not have received the cherishing and positive affirmation she needed to feel special as a female. She grows up thinking she has to prove her worth before she deserves the attention she craves.

I’ve heard it said that a woman loses her soul in relationship with a man, whereas a man discovers his soul in relationship. This must occur when the man gets more in touch with his aliveness and his feelings and his passion for life, whereas the woman makes it her job to keep him happy. She neglects herself and thinks her time will come when the family is all set.     

I often meet this woman in therapy many years later, having raised her family, reporting to me that, either her husband has told her he no longer loves her, or that she’s experiencing emptiness and is confused about her identity as an adult woman. “I put my needs aside to take care of my family,” she’d tell me. “Then I’d get depressed, and I never knew why.”

A female loses touch with her inner Woman if she never makes time for herself, to really enjoy herself. She doesn’t develop her creative fire, her curiosity for life, her passion for whatever makes her soul sing. She neglects her soul life. She’s so busy perfecting her outer world or nurturing external relationships, she misses the sweet adventure into the self.

This not only has an adverse effect on the woman in question, it often wounds and imprisons her children in a web of unmet needs. The more vital, creative, involved in her own inner work a mother is, the less she expects her children to meet her emotional needs. She frees them up to discover and develop their own needs, identity, and creative instincts. They don’t have to live their mother’s unlived life, or to feel guilty should their happiness surpass hers. 

My mother came into her own, in the fullest and most liberated sense, after we left home. She was always creative, but usually when she stole moments for herself without feeling selfish. Every step she has taken toward developing her true and most fulfilled self has opened up space in me to do the same thing. Her Woman liberates me to claim my own. 

My 31year old daughter, on the other hand, stepped into her young adult life and marriage with no intention of losing her inner Woman. I don’t know how she knew to do that, but I see many young women today attempting the same balancing act. My daughter is Woman first, Mother second. Her toddler and baby enjoy the vitality, the creativity, the self-satisfied energy she brings to her family. She knows how to take care of herself, and this gives her more energy to take care of those in her family. She kneads the balance every day.

Some think we’re slipping backwards, that we’re losing the family — ruining our children by making parents’ needs as important as the childrens’. Maybe we’re in the process of discovering the right balance, the healthy blend, the not-yet-determined mixture of outer and inner nurturing needed to raise healthy families. 

It’s not that women should put themselves first at the expense of their families. It’s that the woman who cherishes her inner Woman will be a more vital, authentic, relevant model for how to balance fulfilling one’s own destiny while allowing those in her care to fulfill theirs. She won’t become jealous or resentful, or even competitive, when her own daughter blossoms and receives all the credit for becoming such a divine creature.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. While I’m all for my mother unleashing her inner Woman, I’m not going to discourage her, in any way, from her usual pattern of bringing chicken soup by my house when I have a bad cold. I’m not crazy.