I was a freshman in college, taking a Greek philosophy course, when I was first mesmerized by a piece of the truth. “You can’t step into the same river twice,” suggested Heraclitus, a fifth century BC philosopher. The river looks the same, but the waters touching your feet, the flow of its being, are constantly in motion. From one moment to the next, it is not the same river.
This metaphor of something looking the same but of not at all being the same has followed me down the years. I know it to be true: You can not even step into the same conversation twice, into the identical relationship you had with someone only moments before. We are constantly changing, coming to new self-awareness, to a new perspective of one another, influenced by how we feel at the moment, by how the other received what we said to them, by non-verbal cues.
As in mounting a horse, we need to approach each conversation, each encounter with one another as a new experience of knowing the other. The ride is different every time. If this isn’t happening, then someone isn’t listening, or someone is asleep.
Predictable is comfortable but it isn’t alive. We throw the same old words and the same old behaviors at one another, thinking that, since it held the relationship in the past, it will hold it now. The relationship grows stale, with one of us often becoming disenchanted or bored.
Something as simple as a feelings-check-in at the end of the day can ensure ongoing dialog. How are we doing? Did anything happen between us today that we could have handled better? Was there something we should have talked about that we didn’t?
We are such complex, magical creatures, if only we made time to listen; not only to those speaking to us, but to our own inner dialogue, to our own evolving soul. We often answer one another without first allowing the feeling evoked by what was said to us to drop deep within and stir a genuine soul response. We say whatever fits the moment, surprised ourselves sometimes by our own emotional disconnect. We let it pass. No big deal, we tell ourselves, it’s just conversation.
It doesn’t pass. The river flows. We emotionally move on, begin keeping our most intimate inner thoughts to ourselves, not bothering to share. Our communication gets sloppy. We speak in superficial half-truths. Our partner falls behind, doesn’t sense we are not the person they knew so well just days before. A friendly distance creeps in and fills the space that was once intimacy.
Soon, we are not on the same page, not really sharing our feelings about what happens between us, what we need to be close. It seems too late somehow to return to former depths, to correct the feelings so lightly misrepresented in previous exchange. Why hurt their feelings? we say. Why confront the issue when the moment is already past? We’ll get a chance to talk about it.
The river flows. We eventually stand before one another, looking for a sign, an opening, a way back to the easy exchange that allowed one another in to that private space that is our heart, our soul-life. Before we realize it, we are on different sides of the river.
It’s not what we do for a living that grows us into a person, but what we ache for, what makes our heart sing. This changes over time and those close to us cannot really know us if we do not share this. Our talking has to move from the highlights of our day’s work to the movements of each other’s heart. It takes conscious effort to make the time to swim these waters.
Listening and emotional closeness in relationship are often difficult skills for more literal-minded persons. They hear only facts rather than listen for the feelings beneath the facts. It’s the sharing of feelings that make us feel close to someone, not just knowing their thoughts or the facts of their day. Emotional sharing tumbles into soul sharing — the dip into that eternal river of life that flows through each of us and turns our experiences into resonance and meaning.
If I had a nickel for every client who told their partner they wanted to be listened to and not placated or fixed, like a problem, I’d be rich indeed. To listen to someone’s feelings, even when we are fifty percent sure we know what they will say – their fears as well as their dreams – allows them to feel cherished, understood, known. It creates closeness. It sends the message they are important to us, that their feelings and needs are important to us.
This invisible river that flows through each of us is the eternal river – divine energy pulsing our human energy and creating in us a new body chemistry that incorporates both. All those things that are spiritual in us – our feelings, our longings, our dreams – come from this other dimension, this other level of our being that is not the physical body. It is the spiritual body of us.
Both physical and spiritual live side by side, in each partner, in the relationship, in every nuance and exchange. Like a three-way conversation, the divine dialogues with each partner as each partner dialogues with the other. There is so much to hear in each conversation we have with one another, deeper, more attentive listening is crucial.
Just as a musician knows he cannot hold a note without it spontaneously flowing into a new note, a new tone, we have to be more aware of the spontaneous flow of energy and revelation that occurs in each exchange. Rather than fear any change we may sense in our partner or friend, we need to just move with it, ask about it, allow ourselves to be moved by it — to invite the mystery of it daily to carry each of us gently to our more authentic selves.
The river within you, the river within your partner, does not have to leave one of you behind if you both pay attention to its steady movement. Don’t be afraid to ask one another what rumbles and flows beneath what each says to the other. Sink further into the mystery of the encounter. If your intention is pure, you should be able to approach any subject or feeling.
Throw your line deep. What you catch in that river may be a better relationship with your partner, with your deeper selves, with the divine that is always edging closer and inviting you to deeper living.