At the center of the personality is a precious gem, our “I am.” It pulses through us from an uninterrupted stream of sacred energy that reaches back to the “I AM” who spoke to Moses from the burning bush and reaches forward to the person we are yet becoming. It is the essence and soul of who we are as a human being. It’s presence in us must be fiercely protected at all times.
My grandson, Archer, at four months old, has it. His glee and delight in himself is so apparent, he leaves no alternative but to laugh and dance in his presence. “I am here!” exudes from his every pore. “Aren’t I wonderful?” It makes me want to throw up a boundary around him and not allow anyone close to him who would discourage, demean, or deny him his feeling of specialness.
I know this is isn’t possible. After all, I’ve been down that road myself. It is the human journey to have it, to lose it, to rediscover it. Archer has to eat the apple of experience and learn what he is here on this earth to learn. He has to be put out of the Garden of Paradise — wounded by life — and forced to wander the earth until he can come back to his essential self in adulthood.
The primal unconscious unity the child first feels with Mother, with life, has to suffer a wound, has to be ripped from these feelings of fusion, in order to grow. Our “I am” journeys from mystical union, through separation, struggle, individuation, back to mystical union. The whole journey of life is a return, a remembrance – but a return to a conscious wholeness.
We give away our “I am”, or have it taken away from us, in the service of life. This does not happen without loss, loneliness and deep longing. We give away our “I am” slowly, usually in order to be loved. We do it to please, in order to be accepted or to belong. We do it to be what our parents, friends, community need us to be in order to be deemed “good.”
We do it when we produce in order to have “worth” or recognition or what others tell us will bring us “happiness.” Worth is not something that can be proven, especially to oneself. A solid sense of self is the only guarantee of feelings of self-worth. This comes from hearing, from the start, that we are worthy of love just because we are. Our unique gifts make us special.
We give away our “I am” when we lose touch with our feelings, when we don’t trust our own intuition of what is right for us, when we allow our vital energies to be drained from us by demands placed on us by others who are not themselves in touch with their inner life. We do it when we project on to someone else our own power, our own gifts, thinking they are more special than they are. It takes a long time to pull back that projection and claim our own gifts.
We do it when we stay in our head, when we lose touch with our body and how it feels to be alive and vital and part of this incredible universe. We do it when we don’t take time to reflect, to know what it is we really want, when we lose touch with our soul, our spiritual self, our core. We do it when we sacrifice the deepest part of ourselves and don’t even realize we’ve made that choice.
Our “I am” can be taken from us by others in all the ways abuse occurs, from sexual to verbal abuse. Poverty, war, injustice, neglect of any kind, strip our spirit. We have it taken from us when there is parental alcoholism, extended depression, with any physical or emotional absenteeism. We do not feel cherished as a child and therefore cannot cherish ourselves.
To know it, to lose it, to come back around and experience it, as T.S. Elliot said, “as if for the first time,” is the human journey to the self. We have to steal back the fire of our creative energy, our passion for life, our deepest longings, in order to light up those parts of ourselves we have betrayed or have been robbed from us by others so we can release the fire within.
Learning to find our voice and to speak it, discovering who we are in the process. Discovering what makes our heart sing, whether it’s painting or gardening or playing with our grandchildren. Trusting the intuitive, sacred wisdom of our body to know what is best for us, even when others judge us or scoff at our choices.
These begin to reel back in the self that was lost. These begin to release our “I am” energy into our adult life. It’s not unusual to experience young energy in an aging body. As we age and come to accept ourselves as we are, we tap into energy and loves we had abandoned. Age brings the wisdom and the opportunity to honor this sacred energy. Having produced, proven, provided for and poured out our energy the way the world demanded, we can now take back our true self.
I’m on the other side of the journey my grandson Archer is just brginning. My “I am” was lost, but now it is found. Life teaches me this is just how it is. As the conscious part of nature, we too must cycle as all life cycles — disintigrated, restored, freed up, transformed. I rise each morning ready to recreate myself in ways comfortable to me. Creating a life does, indeed, take a lifetime.